Life changing journey...

I feel fat,
i feel sick of myself,.
I dont even know why.. cos a lot fo the times I will be okay and be like well just accept who you are.. but why isit so dman harD?
The more i see xxxxxxx the moreI want to look like that =(
I wont fast.. thjat is just stupid of me but restrict maybe? eat some healthy food..

Exercise : walk 30mins walk

gym:  cross trainer 30min
           arm thing      10mins
          cross trainer  10mins
          bike                 20mins
          rowing            20mins

total: 120mins


Food:
3  strawberries 
3 small pickled onions
150grams  seafood (about 115? calories)
1 slice of romaine lettuce

Exercise:
Walk to abnd back from gym about 40mins
Gym:
crosstrainer 30mins
bike   20mins
arm thing 10mins
rowing 20mins

(sit ups, arms and legs-weihghts)

totalL120mins

___
food: 2 pieces of beuno chocolate 61 calories
          2 slices of fun (greasy and sauce)
          A lot of salmon and cabbage (cooked VERYgreasy and saucey) ='(
          a few sliced pieces of carrot&red pepper


ANGRY!!!!! I should hacve not eaten so much. I said NO to food, but they HAVE to force me to eat it?! I already made my food in front of them. GRRRR so P**d off I swear next time If they do it i will refuse to eat or just go home and not help out anymore. Cos It annoys the ***** out of me!!!!

Today I joined the gym again.. FINALLY

Exercise: gym

crosstrainer: 30mins
Arm thing: 10mins
Bike: 20mins
Rowing : 30mins

Walk home from gym: 23mims?

_________
Food: A lot of strawberries
           rice bowl worth of chips? (Extra oily...)

I duno what to say.. i dont even wish to update since i have only binged these last 3 days (fri-sun) and no exercise AND a trip to hospital and confession to my bro and sis..

Yeah i have no idea what Im supposed to be doing or feeling.

tomorrow I will control it all.
i know it.

Exercise: gym
30mins cross trainer
30mins bike
20mins rowing

Food:
1 paxket strawberry pocky
leek n potatoe soup
2 beetroots
1/4 slice of bread with pickle.

I wont beat myself up anymore. I cannot do anything about it but exercise it off as much as possible, other than that its all good :)
No need to rush i can live a happy balanced loved life..

I ate disgustingly today.
Including 2 crisps chcolate, cake, ricebox, sandwich, cake, biscuits, anything and everything

Only had small walk to and back from china town.. like 5 mins at gym..
No wonder i am fat my belly is bloated and stupid laxative i took isnt working.. i still havent been

Exercise:
Gym
30misn cross trainer
30mins bike
20mins rowing
10mins other machine
_____
30mins walk
_

20mins crosstrainer
5mins walk/run treadmill


Food:
4 crackers 132calories
green beans 25 calories
handful fruit and nuts
soup 63 calories

2 spinach dim sum
1 vege dim sum
4 pieces of the cheung fun

2 spoons of tofu-fa with sugar
3/4 of chocolate ice-cream cake with strawberries and choco syrup.. (and yeh Im proud haha)


 

I fill sick cos keep eating but still i feel kinda good :S
first time i had my long awaited ice-cream cake.. dim sum which i craved so yeah all is good with me :) I will just work out more tomorrow!



_______
fuck.. 1am  I managed to binge again,,#
bowl of rice with kimchi paste
1 cracker with cheese and pickle
1/2 slivce of bread with pickle..
pocky biscuits... pack..

What is wrong with me!?!
So i binged.. some of cheesecake 2 bites  80cals
2 pieces of pasta with sauce.. creamy cheesey sauce  80cals
2 more crackers 80cals
1/2packet instant noodles  about 400cals
1/2 cheese and pickle sandwich...........     300cal
thats about 1000 calories not to mention I ate a lot earlier.. so maybe like 1400 =,="

I am damn freaked out. I need to wake up early to go gym tomorrow morning then go again at night. since I have a meeting at 6.30 I rearranged it for 1pm.. so I can be home in time to go again during the evening!!!!
i wanna go bed now but i think/know will make me fat...

Last night I binged.. on some cracker, cheese, pickle..and lettuce.

Exercise: gym
 30mins cross trainer
 30mins bike
 20mins rowing machine
10mins skiing like thing

total:90mins feel slightly ashamed since i wanted to do 2hrs...
 
Food: 50grams sweetcorn  50calories
            4 crackers 120calories
            carrot and corriander soup 63 calories
           bowl of dried fruits and nuts  
            3 segments of clementine,,, bit of cheese, pickle..and teaspoon cream fraish?

i have no idea why i cannot control my eating... drinking the pu erh tea helps a lot mentally though.
feel better today knowing all  mostof  the weight from the food i ate previously is gone.

My stomach looks digustng though.. I have so much fat everywhere. I also hate the stretch marks they look like my scars but worse.
I really want rid all the excess inches.

exercise: Gym
2x 30mins on cross trainer
     30mins rowing machine
     20mins bike
     10mins skiing machine thingy

Food:

2 kiwis
1 orange
200grams of canned sweetcorn_
__

what do I want? why am I eating so much...
I want to be able to eat. I want to continue to lose weight. I want to be happy and accept myself

exercise: nothing..

Food: 1 med bowl spagehetti (soup, seafood, spag bon)
            1 bowl rice (salmon broccoli, white raddish)
            4 biscuits
            mini toblerone
            1/2 bowl banoffee pie
            1 cherry cola sweet

____________________________________________

Pros: got to see nan she was happy we cooked for her.
           Last night luke lifted me up without struggle =)

Going back to london so can gym. can bring some laxatives back with me.
will start vegan from now and tonight only fruit IF i must!
        

Today is Tsuyoshi Doumotos birthday =)

Exercise:

60mins cross trainer
20mins rowing machine
20mins bike
10mins skiing machine

120mins Yay


BUT..
food: 1 medium bowl chicken congee
          1 orange,
          2bites kiwi
         1 small bowl rice
          1 honey chicken wing
         3 pieces of pork meat (kow yok)
         3 mini toloberone
         10 pringles
         1/3bowl of veges cooked
         1 ice cream


drinks 1/2 glass of cherry vodka
             1 gin and tonic
             1 shot

Probably some other little bits I dont know about.. feel gross and no gym tomorrow, infact more food..
vegetarian on sat and sunonwards vegan =.=

Exercise:  gym

20mins cross trainer
20mins bike
20mins rowing machine
 weights


food: 1/2 bowl noodles with 1 egg      
           1/3 avacardo (some salad leaves 1 tbsp dressing)
            1 grilled tofu steak (japanese)

2 sips saki
1/3 glass gin and tonic
1/4 glass vodka and coke

30 grams of cheese and some pickle.



At least should have lots of energy for me to go gym tomorrow morning =p
________________________

Apple angel.. my heart cries for you... why same time you text me i recieve a call from Darren?
what does darren want.. he knew i was out and still wanted to check up on me? told me to call him when i get home.. was like 2.30am..and so I thoght nahh another day haha

Went to eat japanese with E (different E). Then we walked around.. cinemas closed .. got harrassed by some lil kids...
went for coffee.. then went to GAY haha met a cute gay guy who asked for my number (*^.^*).  Ha.. i feel so mean.. so cold and cruel to E, wouldnt even touch him. I guess thats called no feel. Hes cool though, ok to hang out with.

tuesday- exercise
     20mins cross trainner
    random 10 mins of everything

food: leek and potato soup    62calories


Wednesday: exercise
                       30 mins cross trainner
                       20 min bike
                      10 mins  skiing thingy
                 weights-arms legs...
                       7mins crosstrainer


food: 30g cheese 80 calories
          1tsp pickle   20 calories
          kiwi               30 calories
          1 can sweetcorn  120 calories

250calories
__________

toilet issue still bothering me.... so hungry sister had kfc.....

Saturday -no exercise.
 food: ice-cream, crisps (lots) croissant, rice and mabo tofu (lots) orange, chocolate

Sunday - gym
 40mins cross trainer
20mins cross trainer

food : some pasta salmon thingy.

*met darren, so strange, we talked and walked from euston to tottenham crt rd and checked cinema times, Ended up for meal at italian place in leis sq then movie (we watched milk cos he saw i got excited over francos name) movie kinda sucked but was fun. by the time we got back to kings cross was already 11.30. He wanted to take me back so no time for him to get home and taxi would be expensive. he came in for some water. then booked a rom in the hotel opposite haha. Checked out at 9.30am.

MondAY-
WOKE UP AT 8PM.
 gym -25mins cross trainer
20mins rowing


food: nothing so far but if i do.. only orange.


____________________
I dunno why, but i feel really good. haha .. so strange. since me and appleangel broke up on saturday.. and i fell down the stairs injuring my tailbone. still have problem going toilet though :( Still.. i think i need to be young and happy!

Exercise: none.. cos too tired and lazy to go gym today.. even though i know I cannot go tomorrow ..


Food:
1 krispy kreme        200 caloires
1 yoghurt                 136 calories
about 1/4 packet pringles   240 calories
crisps                                      136
crisps                                      100

clementine                             35 calories


_____

5 chips      50 calories
 rice with vegetables and some crabmeat omlete (plus coldnt resist some curry sauce)   400 calories

thats like 1300 calories..  so so so sad.
MUST try to do some homework out tomorrow.. cos no trainers.
and sunday MUST WORKOUT even though i have to go out at 5.30 so should go gym about 12/1pm on sunday

 

 

also for the next 6 days its 200calories max for 3 days and 400 calories max for the other 3 days!

i havent felt this full or bloated for about 2 weeks now.... i hope it all goes by sunday.. if not tomorrow!!!!! drink more water..more more tea!!!!!!!! appleangel is so sweet.. hate it.

Exercise: gym

30mins cross trainer
20mins rowing machine
10mins skiing thing
25mins bike

Total: 85mins

Food:
couldnt resist crisps packet was 165 calories i had a few so lets say 50 cals
STUPID sister made me eat fish.. bread crumbed.. so i removed most of it supposed to be 265 but im gonna say 240cals.
Had a small salad (cucumber, tomatoe, lettuce) and sauce so 150cals

so about 540calories today.

Very high. Bad is I deffinately ate too much. Not so good too.. high in salt and fat etc. Also i go home tomorrow so many temptations i can foresee.
Good is.. I was in kind of control since I didnt finish the crisps and considering I have been craving all foods lately like carbs pizza, burger chips, kebabs, cake, chocolate and whatever I can take this as my binge. Atleast even though I didnt feel like working out today or just felt like doing less i still did it in the end.


The conversation with allan this morning didnt got oo well, i dont think he will ever change his old ways. what did he say to me.. 'if its not going to work then im going to find someone else' i mean yeah thats just common sense and obvious but it damn hurt when he said that.. asif hes telling me..either u become my perfect gf or i will find another... and its sigh... i duno..  dead heart...

Exercise: gym

cross trainer 30mins
bike               25mins
skiing machine  15mins
rowing machine  20mins

total:90mins


FOOD:
1/2 can vegetables (potato sweed, carrot peas) 55 calories
vegetable soup (packet)    63calories

2.30am - hungry ate 5 slices of yellow pepper 1 leave of romaine lettuce and 1.5 teaspoon of humous.

______-
i am still hurt by angel, but i am willing to try to forgive. not forget. i hope he understands when i am being genuine.

Exercise: gym
cross trainer 30mins
bike                30mins

worked on abs and arms.

Other machine 10mins
rowing machine 20mins
 total: 90mins

Walked out and back about 45mins

Food: 8 pods of soy bean
           1 california roll
           1 spring roll
           1 tuna sashimi
           1 scallop sashimi
           1 boiled prawn (sashimi)
           1 bite of sweet potato tempura, wasabi, soy sauce, pickled ginger

           2 crispy duck rolls (no duck just pancake sauce and cucumber +spring onions)
 

God knows how much calories im just gonna say 800..

Alcohol: Vodka and cranberry, (apparently this is only 170 calories.. i mean its a lot but for alcohol its not bad) 1/2 glass of some strawberry cocktail (making it up as 200 calories)

so maybe about 1170 calories today? but i mean one day is ok just gotta make sure I dont eat too much rest of the week. Also it was fun and nice day I wont complain cos nothing I can do anyways I will not purge or take any more laxative.

damn it 2.40am and i just binged one 2 orange segments, 2 tablespoons of yoghurt and 2 table spoons of humous...